Confessions of an Ingrate

She is one of my persons.

A person who doesn't have to be physically around me, but is present in almost all things I do and in all that my mind wanders upon.

This realisation occurred to me after I reached here and miss talking to her.

She is a person who makes a difference by being passionate and honest about everything she does and believes.

She is the kind soul who would take me on a ride in the rain and make warm thoughtful meals after.She is a person I sought advice on - from colors, to clothes, to cooking and perfumes. She is the one I loved hanging out with- whether at a pub or at a play. She is the one who would buy surprise gifts which made me feel special - from stoles to leather bags to a little embroidered red skirt(which i wear soo often) to many of the shoes I wear ( we have the same shoe size and she would always pick footwear for me )


Her undying spirit, her ability to forgive, her willingness to feel the sunshine amidst the clouds made her very dear to me.She declared her friendship towards me on a social networking site as - 'its people like her that make me like people'. But I failed her. Our friendship is no longer shatterproof.

I don't know why? but I made her feel that I was an ingrate shit head who used her as long as I wanted.

I stopped talking to her just a few days away from my wedding, knowing too well that she couldn't make it because of reasons she had no control over and being the jerk that I am I conveniently forgot to thank her or do anything for her. I didnt bother to call her even when I was relocating...

I owe her many happy moments, I owe her memories that I keep reminiscing everytime i do things today-going to the theater,shopping or cooking. I wish she were here with me. I keep thinking of how she would react to things I do, things she taught me, things she loves, her interests are varied and creative as she not only ejoys life but understands it with deep respect.

I think of her more than I thought I would. She is a sane sounding board who would have been a selfless and kind teacher. Now I cant look her in the eye and explain myself.

Its become more pronounced -that longing for a friendship that's gone sour and that which creates pain as I cant look into her eye and give her a reason for why i did what i did.

I cant explain why I shattered her belief in me and I cannot undo whats done but I know her forgiveness and her honesty make me feel that I should become a person like her someday...

It seems that would be the best way to carry her spirit with me...